I am Light Bearer, this is a story and account of the weirdness I feel.
I was born with and still have a traditionally female body. Yet, I am both female and male in some ways. I am both the analytical engineer and the fluid artist. I have never felt one box of anything defined me... I always feel like I'm different even than the deep differences I step into.
As an engineer I was one of few women in a highly male-dominated field. As a mother and an aunt, I am “weird” (a direct quote from my nephew, which I delighted in and responded with a large smiling thank you!). As a healer I am now in the unique field of sexuality... in the field of sexuality I'm in a unique role... I am the only one I am aware of sharing this work in this way in the midwest.
I’ve come to terms with my levels of weirdness often being the weird of the weird.
There's very little traditional about me. My traditional gender is female. I was raised female yet even as a child I preferred playing football with the boys in the neighborhood well over playing with dolls with the girls. My hair, skin and eye color was so different from my family that I was teased to be the “adopted” one. I dressed in jerseys and wide armbands and shorts. I preferred the concept of tomboy over the concept of being a girl. When we played Batman, I was the one that had to be Batman... I was never Catwoman I was never Robin, oh no,... I must be Batman! As an adult, I struggled with my body for years, trying to make it something I thought I should be, thinner, stronger, tighter.
Even in my traditional career I was the unusual one... the only woman in the room or the one who used the word “feeling” and got derided for it.
In my spirituality I've never fit into a box. It started with a traditional Christian beginning... Sunday school, going to church on holidays & funerals. I never felt at home there, I always felt guilt and shame or just this icky feeling of not feeling right in my skin.
I've since found my way with my Spirituality from within my Being. The new ease and grace of connecting with who I am... connecting with the world around me, connecting with Spirit, the Universe with this vast Other with which I am also One.
From this new place of deep embodied presence I now feel confident and capable in being truly who I am and letting the boxes of descriptors & categorization be what they are without feeling such a call to force fit my way into them. I no longer feel like I must fit only into those boxes. I feel delighted in my body, learning new things about it all the time. I let go of force fitting it, my weight found a natural balance, my curves took new form. I let go of shaving my legs several years ago, and the joy in the smoothness in my skin is delightful. I was worried about that...what would people think, what would I think? Having been steeped in such a traditional climate of what women "should" look like...it was difficult. I've since repatterned my own awareness and stepped into my choice...acknowledging I always reserve the right to change my mind!
I've also learned to really face the shadowy aspects in my life the things I didn't want to see or the unknown mysteries that either brought in fear or curiosity or the stiff arm of holding it away. And in my sexuality that is included things as connecting with multiple partners, with partners of various gender identity and sexual preference, with seeing BDSM in a new light with acknowledging the sacred intent of choice in many people. And in all that some of the deepest fears being those of the deep emotionally connected experience with my Love.
I see many people afraid to be who they are, afraid to enjoy what they enjoy because of fear of how they will be perceived. I see that in me and I see in me the calling and the clarity of being a bridge... being the Light Bearer...shining the light in the shadowy places of possibility. Encouraging that it's all okay, that it's safe to be who we are and who we are doesn't ever have to fit into standard societal boxes and norms. Even something as rooty and base to our Being as gender is misunderstood as being two boxes... there are even little boxes to check on forms... are you female or male? What happens if we don't fit into either one of those boxes? See my video: Gender Identity & Sexual Preferences - Inviting a New Model!
I invite us all to be authentically who we are, to trust in our Light and to hold ourselves and others in the deep compassion of that authenticity. When you feel something rise up in you as you see someone else doing or being something you didn't expect...pause for a moment...reflect inward, what is this reflecting in you, for you? What are you afraid might happen? Is there something in there you've wanted for yourself and been afraid to acknowledge? Is there something in there you see in you and have been afraid to admit? What would it be like to love yourself and others in a way that finds you in ease and compassion?
